im alone
dont really know why im writing this one
actually i do
Dr H said i avoid talking about “core things” and instead focus on details because details feel safer
which sounds annoyingly true honestly
because somehow talking about a lamp humming at 2 in the morning feels easier than saying normal embarrassing things out loud
so congratulations Dr H i guess
you win
heres a feelings post
hate even typing that
today was bad
not dramatic bad
just quiet bad
the kind where the whole day feels slightly hollow for no specific reason and then around 9 PM youre sitting there realizing you havent actually spoken to anybody in a meaningful way
which sounds pathetic reading it back
whatever
im leaving it
i think i spend too much time alone
or maybe ive always spent too much time alone and only recently started noticing
thats possible too
people always say things like “reach out” like thats a normal thing people do
reach out to who exactly
seriously
i dont really have people
not in the way other people seem to
like the kind where someone notices when youre gone for awhile
or texts first
or randomly asks if youre okay
i think if i disappeared for like three days most people would just assume i was busy
which sounds dramatic but i genuinely think its true
maybe not mom
although honestly even that depends
which feels mean to say
because its not like she doesnt care
i think she does
probably
its just weird
hard to explain
like imagine someone technically loving you but never really feeling close to you
thats the closest way i can describe it
she says she loves me
obviously
birthday texts
holiday stuff
asks if im eating enough
normal parent things
but emotionally its always felt sort of
far away
like she was standing in another room while talking to me
if that makes sense
and before anybody future-reading this goes wow okay blame your mother for everything
im not
i know people have way worse parents
she wasnt abusive
she wasnt cruel
she worked hard
she did what she could
i know that
i genuinely do
its just
i dont know
sometimes i wonder if she actually liked me as a person
which feels horrible to even write
like maybe she loved me because youre supposed to love your kid but didnt really understand me
or didnt want to
or maybe i was difficult
thats possible too
i was weird as a kid honestly
quiet
obsessive
the kind of kid who cared too much about random things
i remember showing her stuff i was excited about and feeling like she wanted the conversation to end
not always
just enough times to remember
which maybe sounds unfair because parents get tired and busy and stressed
still
you remember little things
thats the annoying part
little stupid moments
like one time in middle school i made this whole thing for school and was weirdly excited to show her and she kind of just said “thats nice” without really looking
and i remember standing there pretending that didnt bother me
which is stupid because who even remembers something like that years later
apparently me
i remember dumb things constantly
thats another problem
and dad
honestly dont even know where to start there
because technically there isnt much to say
hard to miss somebody you never really had
which people always assume means it doesnt bother you
except i think maybe thats worse somehow
like theres this whole giant missing thing in your life and everyone acts like its normal because its always been missing
i know almost nothing
bits and pieces
old stories
vague explanations
a name that doesnt feel like anything
sometimes i wonder if i passed him at a grocery store before and wouldnt even know
which sounds dramatic but also statistically probably possible
weird thought
i looked him up online once
facebook mostly
which honestly felt embarrassing
sat there staring at pictures of someone youre apparently supposed to feel connected to
trying to decide if you recognize anything in their face
you ever do that thing where you look at somebody and wonder if you move like them
or laugh like them
or if weird little habits came from them somehow
probably not
i dont know
there were pictures
vacations
random family stuff
other people
looked normal
which honestly made me angrier than if he looked terrible
because normal somehow feels intentional
like okay cool glad everything worked out
meanwhile im over here wondering if i got half my face from somebody who doesnt even think about me
again
dramatic
i know
but sometimes it gets to me
especially at night for some reason
everything feels louder at night
thoughts included
thats probably why i write more after midnight
also why the apartment feels different
which yes i know i keep bringing up
im aware
tonight it just feels emptier than usual
not scary empty
just
empty
like the kind where you suddenly notice every sound because there arent any voices
neighbors laughing through walls
dishwasher humming
someone outside closing a car door
and somehow all of it just reminds you youre by yourself
which sounds sadder than i mean it to
im okay
mostly
just lonely sometimes
which is embarassing to admit at this age honestly
feels like by now i shouldve figured out how to have people
or at least feel less alone around myself
instead i just end up thinking too much
about dumb things
about old things
about things nobody else probably remembers
sometimes i think maybe thats why i get stuck on weird details
the lamp
the hallway
the sounds
because at least thats something to focus on
something specific
something solvable
way easier to wonder why the apartment sounds different than wonder why people never seem to stay very long
that got depressing fast wow
anyway
before this turns into some dramatic sad guy blog
im fine
mostly
had mac and cheese tonight
burned my tongue because apparently i still havent learned microwaves are hot
watched random youtube videos for three hours
forgot laundry again
normal person behavior
also
small thing
probably unrelated
but i realized tonight i leave the lamp on more often now
even when im in another room
dont know why exactly
just feels quieter when its on
which is weird because technically lamps dont make enough noise to matter
probably just habit
probably nothing
anyway
going to bed
hopefully sleeping
not checking the time tonight
seriously this time
probably not anyway