Add paragraph text. Click “Edit Text” to update the font, size and more. To change and reuse text themes, go to Site Styles.
okay so apparently im supposed to do this online now because i lost the notebook again and Dr H said maybe it would be easier if i just typed things instead because i "seem more willing to document events digitally" which feels like therapist language for you keep losing everything and also stop writing on scraps of paper and napkins like a person in a detective movie
so this is me trying
im not really sure what im supposed to write in this thing because a blog sounds dramatic and public and i dont really want people reading this but he said it doesn tmater if nobody reads it and i can think of it more like a running log which feels less embarrassing
he said dont filter it and dont write for an audience so whatever
today was normal mostly
woke up late around 10 something because i didnt sleep very good last night. i kept waking up for no reason and i know everyone says that but i mean like eyes open suddenly for absolutely no reason kind of awake. no dream no noise no reason just awake and weirdly alert for like ten seconds then tired again
i think maybe my apartment makes sounds differently at night because during the day i dont really noticea nything but around 2 in the morning everything sounds seperate. like the fridge clicks louder. pipes sound farther away. even my lamp sounds louder somehow
which is stupid because lamps dont really make noise unless theyre broken
mine kind of hums sometimes
not loud just enough that if the room is completely quiet you hear it
its probably normal
i only noticed it because last night it kept sounding like it would stop when i paid attention to it and then start again when i stopped paying attention which i know sounds ridiculous typing it out because obviously that isnt happening. it probably just changed pitch or something and my brain filled in the rest
i should probably stop drinking caffeine at night
work was fine today mostly. i forgot my keys in the apartment again and had to walk back upstairs halfway to my car which annoyed me because i already do that constantly and i swear im becoming one of those people that loses track of everything all the time
i bought groceries after
nothing exciting
turkey sandwiches
coffee
those weird crackers i always buy even though i dont really like them
frozen meals because i never actually cook
i got home around 6 and realized i forgot lightbulbs again even though i specifically wrote LIGHTBULBS on my phone before leaving because the one in the hallway flickers every once in awhile
not dramatic flickering like horror movie flickering just once every few days like a weird blink
probably loose connection
i only even noticed because the lamp in the living room dimmed at the same time once and i stood there trying to decide if that actually happened or if i imagined it
im aware that sounds weird
before anyone says anxiety yes i know
i have anxiety
im literally in therapy
thank you mystery future reader
the weirdest thing today honestly wasnt even weird it just stuck with me for some reason
at exactly 2:17 AM i woke up
i know because i checked my phone
and right after i looked over at the lamp because of the humming thing and i swear it got quieter when i looked at it
again i KNOW how that sounds
but then today while i was cleaning up i noticed i randomly wrote "2:17" on the back of a receipt in my kitchen
dont remember doing that
couldve been from half asleep last night i guess
its not creepy its just strange
i think im probably paying attention to random details too much lately because thats apparently something stress does. Dr H says when people are anxious they start noticing patterns in things because the brain wants certainty
which makes sense
like if something weird happens once you forget it
if it happens twice you remember it
three times and suddenly youre making connections that maybe arent there
so im saying this now in writing because if i start becoming weird about the lamp thing later i want future me to read this and realize i already knew it was probably nothing
its probably the bulb
or wiring
or im tired
or all three
still
i might check what time i wake up tonight just out of curiosity
not because i think anything weird is happening
just because now i want to know
also unrelated but the hallway felt colder today for some reason
not freezing just colder than the living room
probably AC
i almost called maintenance but then i remembered i hate talking to maintenance because they always act like youre bothering them for existing
anyway thats enough for day one i think
if Dr h asks yes i did the assignment
funny pictur
also the lamp hummed again but only after i muted the TVi dont even really notice the humming unless its quiet
orgot to switch laundry again. towels smell weird now.
i keep forgetting to buy lightbulbs
called mom back finally
she said i sound tiredthey call me mentally
the hallway vent has 19 slats
i counted twice because i thought it was 20
i dont know why that bothered me
Add paragraph text. Click “Edit Text” to update the font, size and more. To change and reuse text themes, go to Site Styles
didnt really want to write tonight because honestly i feel kind of stupid about the whole thing already but Dr H said consistency matters more than quality and if i skip days ill just stop doing it entirely so here
today was mostly normal again
overslept
forgot coffee in the microwave somehow which i didnt even know was possible because who reheats coffee and then just leaves it there for four hours
apparently me
work wasnt bad. kind of foggy all day though. not physically sick just distracted in a weird way. like my brain kept getting snagged on things
example
i spent probably ten actual minutes staring at one ceiling tile because it looked slightly lower than the others
not dramatically lower
just enough that it bothered me
then i convinced myself it wasnt lower
then i looked again later and suddenly it definitely looked lower again
which is either proof i notice too much random stuff lately or proof buildings are secretly falling apart constantly and everyone just agrees not to mention it
probably the first thing
hopefully
got home around 7
made frozen pasta because im apparently committed to eating like someone who gave up on joy but honestly it wasnt terrible
watched youtube for awhile
nothing weird
mostly
the lamp thing happened again
and before i sound insane again im writing this exactly how it happened because otherwise later ill convince myself im remembering it wrong
i woke up at 2:17 again
yes exactly 2:17
before anyone future-reading this says "you probably just checked your phone around then and your brain remembered the number" i already thought that too
except this time i woke up first
like fully awake suddenly
and then checked my phone
2:17
i remember because i actually laughed a little when i saw it
like okay sure thats annoying
the humming started maybe thirty seconds after
or maybe it was already happening and i just noticed it
hard to tell
the weird part isnt even the humming
the weird part is i couldnt figure out where it was coming from
i always thought it was the lamp because thats what seemed obvious but when i sat there listening it sounded farther away somehow
like the hallway
or the wall
which again sounds stupid typing it
i even got up to check
stood in the hallway like an idiot at 2 in the morning in my underwear trying to figure out if walls can hum
good news
they cannot
probably
the hallway did feel colder though
not scary colder
just noticeably colder
like when you walk into a grocery store aisle with refrigerators
except only for a second
then normal again
i checked the thermostat today because i was trying to prove to myself im not imagining random stuff
72
same as always
i dont know
im probably paying attention too hard
thats honestly the most likely answer
because now that ive noticed the time thing i think im waiting for it without realizing
like your brain does when you suddenly start seeing the same number everywhere
except i havent really
just 2:17
which feels annoyingly specific
i almost didnt write this part because i know how dumb it sounds but whatever this is literally supposed to be honest
i checked my phone camera this morning because i had this idea last night that if i woke up again id record the humming so i could stop being weird about it
except my camera roll has a 14 second video from 2:18 AM
i dont remember recording it
before anybody says sleepwalking no
i dont sleepwalk
at least i dont think i do
the video is basically black
you can hear movement
kind of
mostly just awful phone mic noise
but around halfway through theres this really faint buzzing sound
which should make me feel better because obviously there IS a noise then
except now im annoyed because i genuinely cant tell what it is
could be fridge
could be AC
could literally be electrical interference
could be me breathing into the mic
i dont know
i listened to it like six times though
which is probably unhealthy behavior
actually definitely unhealthy behavior
i should stop doing that
also weird unrelated thing
and this one is genuinely probably nothing
there was a little scratch or mark near the vent in the hallway today
not new exactly
just something i suddenly noticed
kind of looked like someone accidentally marked the paint
tiny black line
i stood there looking at it longer than i should have because for some reason it looked familiar
like i had seen it before but never actually looked at it
if that makes sense
it doesnt
whatever
i think part of the issue lately is ive been alone too much
seriously
i spend too much time in this apartment
too quiet
too much thinking
too much noticing random things
probably just stress
Dr H would definitely say hypervigilance again because apparently thats his favorite word lately
i need to stop checking the time when i wake up
thats probably step one
because now i already know im going to wonder tonight
which means ill probably wake up anyway
and if i wake up at 2:17 again im officially not mentioning it anymore because its getting embarrassing
also
i forgot lightbulbs again
which honestly feels like a separate problem entirely
.
Heading 6
how the lamp feels
Add paragraph text. Click “Edit Text” to update the font, size and more. To change and reuse text themes, go to Site Styles sometimes i think about hurting myself. i see it online and wonder if it will make everything stop i dont even have a family my mom is never home and ik dad why am I still alive if nobody cares. the world is so bad and i cant stop hearing the ringing and its so annoying my ears hurt
missed yesterday
not intentionally
just forgot
which probably defeats the whole point of doing this but honestly yesterday wasnt even interesting enough to write about anyway
work
food
youtube
sleep
the usual
although i guess i should mention i didnt wake up at 2:17
which should technically be reassuring
except i woke up at 2:16 and immediately checked the time because apparently im now the type of person who does that
sat there for a minute waiting to see if anything happened
nothing
felt ridiculous
went back to sleep
so good job brain
you sucessfully invented a problem and then stayed awake waiting for it
today though was weird in a way that isnt even weird enough to justify writing down but it bothered me for some reason
the hallway vent
i know
trust me i know
its stupid
but something about it feels slightly wrong
not wrong in a creepy way
just wrong in an annoying way
like when a picture frame is tilted two degrees and you cant stop noticing it
i counted the slats today because i couldnt remember if i counted them already
19
for some reason i thought there were 20
which bothered me more than it shouldve
i literally went and counted again later because i thought maybe i skipped one
still 19
not sure why that irritated me
it should not matter at all
also this is embarrassing but i stood in the hallway for awhile today because i wanted to see if it actually felt colder or if i imagined that too
its inconsistent
sometimes yes
sometimes normal
which probably means airflow and im overthinking it
before future me starts becoming weird about the vent
ITS THE AC
writing that here on purpose
it is the AC
there
documented
normal explanation
moving on
went grocery shopping after work
forgot half the stuff i actually needed somehow
managed to remember crackers again though which feels like proof i should not be trusted with responsibilities
there was this weird moment at checkout where i suddenly couldnt remember if i had already bought milk earlier this week
stood there genuinely trying to picture the inside of my fridge
couldnt do it
which feels concerning somehow
i think stress is making me scatterbrained
or lack of sleep
probably both
i finally remembered lightbulbs though
important update for anybody emotionally invested in hallway lighting
except now i dont want to replace the bulb
because the flicker hasnt happened in like three days
which somehow makes replacing it feel unnecessary
i know thats irrational
still havent done it
also
okay this part sounds weird but i genuinely dont mean it in a dramatic way
the apartment feels different at night lately
not bad different
just different
like during the day everything feels smaller somehow
normal apartment
normal sounds
normal lighting
then at night it feels like everything spreads out slightly
not physically obviously
just quieter in a way that makes distances feel farther
hard to explain
like the hallway feels longer
or maybe emptier
i noticed it when i got water around midnight
stood in the kitchen and looked down the hallway and for a second genuinely thought
thats farther than usual
which i immediately know sounds insane because hallways dont change size
thank you
im aware
i even laughed at myself afterward
sleep deprivation maybe
or im becoming dramatic
could be either
the really annoying thing though
and im almost not writing this because i already know how dumb it sounds
i noticed the vent scratch looked slightly different today
not bigger
just
different
like curved maybe
except im 90% sure i just never looked closely before
which is the obvious answer
because who memorises wall scratches
nobody normal
thats who
i almost took a picture of it to compare later and then realized that was exactly the kind of behavior that turns normal people into conspiracy weirdos online
so i didnt
progress
instead i stood there for probably too long trying to remember if it looked the same yesterday
couldnt remember
eventually gave up
also
small thing
and this is probably unrelated
i found another receipt in my kitchen pocket from work
on the back it says
dont forget 2:17
which i definitely wrote
the handwriting is mine
i just dont remember when
or why
i dont love that
because i genuinily have no memory of writing it
but honestly its probably from being half asleep after waking up again
ive done weirder things tired
one time i ordered vitamins at like 3 AM and forgot until they showed up
so
not exactly evidence of anything
still weird though
also before anybody future-reading this says "stop checking the time"
yes
obviously
im trying
the problem is now i wake up and immediately think about not checking the time
which somehow makes me check the time
human brains are badly designed
anyway
going to bed
if i wake up at 2:17 again im pretending i didnt see it
seriously
im over it
probably just stress
probably just sleep
probably just a lamp
probably just me paying too much attention
humming light
Add paragraph text. Click “Edit Text” to update the font, size and more. To change and reuse text themes, go to Site Styles.
okay first of all this online diary thing is stupid
i know im supposed to “give it a chance” because apparently writing things down helps me “organize my thoughts” but honestly i hate this
it feels embarrassing
at least when it was in a notebook it felt private
this feels weird
like technically nobody is reading it but also technically somebody could read it and thats somehow worse
Dr h said the point is that i keep losing notebooks which first of all rude and second of all yes fair enough i guess
still
i hate typing all this out
it makes everything sound more dramatic than it feels in my head
like i read back old entries and suddenly i sound like the guy in a documentary who lives in a house full of string maps and starts every sentence with “you wont believe this but”
which i am aware of
thats the annoying part
i know how this sounds
anyway
today sucked
therapy sucked specifically
not because anything happened exactly just because i left annoyed
he asked how sleep has been
bad
obviously
he asked if ive been keeping track of the time thing
which honestly irritated me because i didnt even bring it up first
he did
like now somehow its become A Topic
yes sometimes i wake up around 2:17
cool
people wake up at random times
that doesnt mean anything
and honestly i wish i never mentioned it because now every conversation somehow circles back to it
he said something today that genuinely made me mad though
he asked if i had considered a short stay somewhere supportive”
which i apparently had to ask clarifying questions about because supportive sounds suspiciously like therapist code for somewhere they take your shoelaces
and yeah
basically
he said not in an emergency way
not because he thinks im dangerous or anything
he kept emphasising that part actually which honestly made me feel worse somehow
like “youre not crazy but also maybe a hospital”
great
love hearing that
he said its because im getting fixated
his exact word
fixated
apparently noticing things and then spiraling into trying to understand them isnt helping me sleep
which okay maybe true
but i also think if something bothers you enough wouldnt literally anyone try to figure it out
thats not obsession thats just being a person
right
like if your car made a weird sound every night eventually youd check the engine
you wouldnt just ignore it forever
same thing
except apparently because its an apartment sound or sleep thing or whatever suddenly im “feeding the pattern”
thats another phrase he likes
feeding the pattern
he says it like i own a pet problem
he actually asked if i could stop checking the hallway
which felt weirdly insulting
because first of all im not CHECKING the hallway
im just in the hallway sometimes
because i live here
its a hallway
im not conducting hallway research
which sounds defensive typing it
whatever
he asked if anything had actually changed
objectively
and honestly no
not really
which is frustrating because if things were clearly weird itd almost be easier somehow
its all tiny stuff
small enough that i immediately feel stupid for even noticing
like earlier tonight i stood in the kitchen and for a second thought the apartment sounded quieter than usual
not silent
just
different
like softer somehow
which is probably nothing
except i noticed it
and once you notice something its annoying to un-notice it
thats the real problem i think
not the sounds
not the time thing
just me paying attention too hard
like once something gets stuck in my head i cant leave it alone
i keep trying to prove to myself its normal and somehow that turns into met hinking about it more
which i KNOW is dumb
for example
today i genuinely caught myself standing near the hallway vent again
not because i meant to
i just kind of ended up there
then realized i was listening
for what
i dont even know
nothing happened
stood there like an idiot for probably a minute and then got annoyed at myself and left
progress
also i finally replaced the hallway bulb
important update for everyone invested in my extremely boring apartment
it still flickers occasionally
which honestly should make me feel better because thats clearly electrical and normal
except now im annoyed because i cant remember if it flickered before all this or if im only noticing now
which feels like the entire problem lately
maybe everything has always been like this
maybe ive always woken up randomly
maybe apartments always make weird sounds
maybe im just suddenly paying attention
thats probably the answer
Dr H says anxiety narrows your focus until ordinary things start feeling loaded
his words not mine
which sounds fake honestly but maybe true
he also told me something today i hated hearing
he said
“what if the goal isnt figuring it out”
which i thought was genuinely the dumbest sentence ever at first
because obviously the goal is figuring it out
thats how problems work
but now annoyingly ive been thinking about it all day
because what if there isnt actually anything to figure out
what if im just tired and stressed and alone too much and my brain picked something random to care about
which feels possible
except
and this is the part that irritates me
if thats true why do i keep waking up at basically the same time
coincidence probably
body clock maybe
whatever
im not checking tonight
seriously
im done thinking about it
if i wake up i wake up
im not looking at the clock
im not listening for anything
im not standing in hallways like a weirdo
im sleeping like a normal person
hopefully
also this blog thing still sucks
if future me is reading this and somehow still doing online diary homework
im sorry for us honestly
Add paragraph text. Click “Edit Text” to update the font, size and more. To change and reuse text themes, go to Site Styles
didnt want to write this
actually i almost deleted the whole site today because honestly this feels humiliating now
and before anyone says “then stop posting” yes obviously i know that
except now Dr H says consistency matters more than motivation which sounds like something written on a mug in a waiting room
so here
apparently we have names for things now
which i guess is supposed to help
except somehow it made me angrier
today was basically just one long exhausting argument where someone tries to explain your own brain to you like theyve been living in it longer than you have
which no offense
they havent
first of all
OCD
fine
whatever
that one didnt even surprise me honestly
apparently getting stuck on thoughts and repeatedly checking things and convincing yourself that if you just understand something enough youll feel normal again counts for something
cool
good to know theres a label for “brain wont leave things alone”
great
love that for me
but then
schizophrenia
or “schizoaffective spectrum concerns” or whatever careful phrase they kept using before eventually just saying it directly
and honestly
i got mad
really mad actually
not loud angry
just
that exhausted kind of angry where suddenly everything feels insulting
because what do you even do with that information
seriously
what am i suposed to say to that
“oh okay thanks”
like youre handing me allergy results
i asked what exactly makes them think that
and it immediately turned into this whole thing about patterns and perception and sleep and “increasing fixation” and reality testing and whether or not i think certain things are objectively happening
which already irritated me because i dont even think anything dramatic is happening
thats the part nobody seem to understand
im not sitting here saying the lamp is alive
im not saying hallways are possessed
im not saying anything like that
i literally keep writing that its probably stress
probably sleep
probably anxiety
i say that constantly
which somehow makes this whole thing feel worse
because now every weird thought suddenly becomes evidence
every bad night
every time i notice something
every dumb little fixation
suddenly it all gets put under a microscope
and now im supposed to trust people who write notes while i talk and nod like theyve solved me
cool
awesome
love being professionally analyzed
at one point i actually said
“what if youre wrong”
and he just gave me this long pause
like therapist pause
the kind where they want you to think youre having some breakthrough
and then he said something like
“does being wrong scare you or being right”
which honestly annoyed me so much i almost left
because what kind of answer even is that
i hate therapist sentences sometimes
they talk like movie characters
i dont know
maybe im being unfair
probably
im tired
im angry
i havent slept right in weeks
and maybe im defensive because i dont like hearing things about myself that sound permanent
thats probably part of it too
i just hate feeling watched
not literally watched
i already know how that sounds
i mean watched in the clinical sense
like suddenly everything i do means something
hesitated before answering a question
interesting
focused on somethng weird
important
got upset
concerning
great
love becoming a case study
the annoying part is theres a tiny part of me that keeps wondering if theyre right about some of it
not all of it
just some
because yeah
i do get stuck on things
way too hard sometimes
like if something feels unresolved my brain refuses to leave it alone
and yes i notice weird details other people ignore
and yes maybe normal people dont stand in hallways wondering why the apartment sounds different at night
fine
whatever
but also
normal people notice things too
right
everybody gets weird thoughts
everybody gets stressed
everybody obsesses over random stuff occasionally
dont they
i dont know anymore honestly
also before anyone future-reading this starts panicking
im not in a hospital
apparently we are “not there”
which genuinely sounded threatening the way he said it
“not there”
cool
good phrase
very reassuring
i mostly just left feeling angry
sat in the parking lot for like twenty minutes
didnt even start the car
just sat there
felt embarrassed mostly
which is stupid because literally nobody else cares
people get diagnosed with stuff all the time
still felt bad
like somehow now theres an explanation for everything and i dont know if i wanted one
anyway
im tired
this whole online diary thing still feels stupid
and if future me is reading this after sleeping normally and acting sane again
please remember how dramatic you were being
also
small thing
probably nothing
but the lamp wasnt humming tonight
which weirdly bothered me more than if it had been
because now the apartment feels too quiet
which is annoying
because i literally wanted quiet
brain makes no sense sometimes maybe i should just end it all so they dont take me there i dont want to go. if i had to id keep cutting my writs until i bleed into bathtubb so it stops the hurting and i bleed. i dont want to be stuck in a hospital place. bad guys are there and im not weird like that i just pay attention to my surroundings, is that really so bad, why am i not perfect and everyone else is, i shouldnt be here anymore. everyonethinks theyre better than me, im not sick, theyre so mean to me, why cant they just leave me alone instead of writing this and doing his exerciese. i wish he never touched me i thought it was normal, theyre so bad, bad people, i hate this, i dont want to go to hospital
.